Today, January 6, is the one year mark from the day I left my ex-husband. If you have read much of my blog, you know that I'm doing really well. So much  has changed in my life since that day one year ago. I decided to leave in December, but I couldn't leave right away. I would have if I was in physical danger, but I wasn't. Since I was fine physically, I decided to stick around long enough to have some repairs done to my car, decide what to take right away and what to pack up for a future moving day, and allow my in-laws to celebrate the holidays joyfully. The weird, leaving-but-not-leaving-yet period was very strange. My ex took the news of my leaving pretty well, and told me that he wanted me to be happy in the long run. I was a wreck emotionally, and he actually tried to comfort me at times. Sometimes I let him. I needed the comfort, and he's the one that was there, at home. And at the time, I didn't WANT to leave him. Finally, The Day came. In some ways, ...

Today I'm writing things I need to read myself. https://divinewalls.com/whatever-is-true-whatever The first qualification this verse gives is "whatever is true." That's the very first thing we should consider when we decide if we should allow certain thoughts precious time in our minds. Today I want to talk about something that's true, because sometimes false messages have a way of sneaking in. They do that with you too, when you least expect it. Today's truth:  I am enough. I'm no longer a size 6. I'm enough. I'm not tall, with long legs, and I have to hem everything I wear. I am enough. My complexion isn't flawless. I'm still enough. I have suffered more heartache than I thought I'd be able to survive. I am enough. I have inner scars that will always be a sign of the things I've gong through. I'm enough. I now wear a scarlet "D" that will cause me to be judged by some. (I know they aren't the ones wh...

It's been eight months since I left my ex-husband. Only a few months really, but so much healing has happened in my life in that short amount of time. I posted a while back about the biggest difference between now and then being hope. That's still true. I used to be so stuck, and now I can dream and see so many possibilities for my life. Recently my mom and I went to my former town for the weekend. I was able to attend church where I attended for 5 1/2 years. I saw friends that I have been missing. It really was a good time! I've mentioned before that before I left I really had a hard time keeping myself together. I was constantly on the verge of tears. I'm sure anyone who wasn't oblivious could see it. That's why it was good to hear a couple of the comments that weekend from some of the people that I used to go to church with. One lady told me I was beautiful. I know we usually think of beauty as clear skin, straight teeth, stylish clothes, and carefully-...

No, I haven’t died. Life is just happening.  Lately I’ve been reading Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is the first of several books I want to read as part of my healing process, and it is a real eye-opener. I’m not even finished with it yet, but I have seen myself in some of the pages.  One thing I recognized in myself is what the authors refer to as the false solution of doing the opposite. I was once deeply hurt by a guy who was dominated by his mother and just couldn’t cut the apron strings. So when I met the man I married and he was rude and unkind to his mother, I didn’t recognize that as the red flag it was. I was just so glad he didn’t let her push him around. In that regard, I was drawn to the opposite of what I had before when neither extreme was healthy.  The book talks quite a bit about people who close themselves off from relationships, both romantic and platonic, because they have been hurt i...

It's been too long since my last post. I have nothing to say for myself, except that life has been happening. I've had a migraine today, so this may not be very eloquent. But something has come to mind a few times lately that I want to discuss. If you've read my blog before, then you know my story, or at least part of it. It's not pretty by any means! I was a young woman hoping and praying to meet an amazing man who would sweep me off my feet. Then I met someone who seemed so amazing, and we were both smitten, and we got married and lived happily ever after. Except we didn't. We got married, and after a while I slowly started to realize what a huge mistake I had made. I was in a painful mess. You probably know that, but it's a recap for any first-time readers. (And please check out some of my other posts) Every once in a while I'll be in a conversation with someone about things that I went through in my marriage, and I can't help but think, "W...

There are many things that are different, now that I have left my husband. I  live in a different part of the state. I live with my parents again until I can get some things figured out financially. I'm attending the church I attended before moving away when I got married, but there is a new pastor now. I no longer have the security a wife has (or should have) of someone taking care of her. I know my family will take care of me, and my church will. No one will ever let me be without things I need. I'm driving an old Toyota I've had forever, because my husband got to keep the newer car. I wouldn't have wanted to bring the payments with me, along with the newer car, so there is that. I loved my role as a full-time housekeeper/cook/domestic goddess when I was with my husband. When I left, I knew I would have to polish up my resume and find employment. At this point I've only had temporary jobs, but something will open up. It's not easy reinventing myself. ...

A few days ago I was in my former town and was able to see so many friends. It was amazing! I think people were able to see that a lot of healing has happened in my life;  I'm way different from how I was when I left. That caused me to start thinking about my healing process and consider what the things may be that have helped me along the way. When I left I KNEW I was making the right decision. That gave me a peace, even though my life was upside down. I definitely could have left sooner, and I had plenty of reason to, but I waited until I knew it was absolutely the right choice. Because of this, I've never looked back or doubted my path.  My support has been incredible. I know I've mentioned things in this regard before, but I've always had people who have had my back. When I needed someone to talk to, when I needed help moving, when I needed a hug, there was always someone. I'll always be grateful.  I told myself the truth about myself and my situation. ...

Sometimes people wrong us, and in the process, they steal something from us that's very precious. Thankfully it's not always like that, but life can get pretty messy sometimes. It can be tempting to just gloss over that loss and not really acknowledge it. It may even feel like you are forgiving the person if you do that. But this is just a form of denial, and it's not healthy. Before this year is over, 10 babies will have been born in my former church congregation. At age 34 I'm very aware that I'll never be a mother unless I happen to remarry and the man has kids already. And if I'm ever a step-mom, my hypothetical stepkids will probably be in their teens at least, because this certainly wouldn't be happening soon. Now those who know me well know that I've never longed to be a mother like a lot of women. No baby fever for me. But to have that choice taken away? Well, I guess you can say I still had a choice. But how could I choose to bring an innoc...

I've been thinking I should probably write a post to clear up a few questions that some people may have about my blog and its purpose.  I'm going to try to do that today. My blog is to help me heal emotionally, and hopefully help someone else who is going through something similar. I want to tell people that need to hear it that change can come to their lives, and they can be strong enough to take steps that they need to take. Some of you may be wondering how I feel about marriage now that I've been wounded so much by someone who was supposed to love me. I still believe in marriage. I've seen too many good marriages to believe that good marriages don't exist. Of course they require a lot of work by both people involved for it to be that way. I do feel like it's not fair that I went into marriage willing to give it my best, and my husband went into it...I don't know. I like to think he probably had good intentions at first. But he certainly didn't...

You may be wondering how I'm really doing, so I wanted to post this letter and let you know. It's occurred to me that it would be natural for you to think of me as being really sad because that's how I was when you last saw me. Every day was a battle, and at times it was so hard to keep my tears at bay. Sometimes I couldn't keep them at bay. Now things are different. I have so much hope for the future. I have a smile on my face. I don't walk around with tears just waiting to be shed. I'm in such a good place for this time in my life;  it's so good to be with my family. I definitely have some healing to do, and I have to be patient with that process. But the church family here has wrapped their arms around me and stood with me like you did when I was there. (I still feel your arms from a distance <3) It's a little hard to know how much of this to go into because there are wonderful people that I really don't want to hurt. But I didn't ...

Have you ever thought, "If only I could lose weight?" or "If only I could afford a new car?" Quite a few of us have! Hopefully, those are only passing thoughts and we don't get stuck there. I've had some "if onlys" come to the surface during my healing process. I think that's pretty normal. If only I had been wiser. If only we had taken the dating process more slowly and given any red flags time to show themselves clearly. If only he had been what he seemed. If only I had asked harder questions. If only I had tried marriage counseling earlier. If only I had been more honest with our mutual friends about what he was like. If only we had gotten better advice. If only he had gotten the kick in the rear that he needed instead of me being told things that I needed to do. The big one I have struggled with is when I felt like I was close to the end of my rope and sought out help, but I didn't feel like our situation was taken as serious...

Most people are familiar with the idea that there are several stages of grief. That can be grief for a loved one or even grief for a lost relationship. Psychology Today lists 5 stages of grieving a relationship:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I've read that these stages may not be in order, and not everyone experiences all 5 stages. Anyone want to guess what stage I am in right now? Yeah, that would be anger. And it's not fun. I should clarify that I'm not flying off the handle and making life miserable for the people around me. But sometimes I really want to throw my phone across the room, or something like that. (Thankfully I haven't given into that since iPhone screens aren't exactly cheap to replace!) Anger is a funny thing. While I'm trying to heal from a particular situation, I'm finding that other things and other people can trigger anger right now. Recently there was a situation involving a different person t...

Valentine's Day. The day that singles everywhere hate. It reminds them that they still don't have the relationship they want while everyone else seems to be happily coupled off. If that sounds WAY too familiar to you, then please read the rest of this. Sometimes it helps us all to have a little different perspective. In thinking about writing this blog I decided to be honest about some things that have been very painful in my life. Sometimes it's so hard to open up about things; hiding can be so much easier. But I don't know if I can heal completely that way, and if I can somehow help other people by sharing parts of my story, I'd like to. I got married a little over 5 1/2 years ago on a hot June day. My dress and my hair were perfect, and I was thrilled to be marrying the man I was head-over-heels in love with. He was clearly crazy about me too. I didn't buy into the idea that life would be perfect, but I thought it would be pretty amazing with a lot of har...