No, I haven’t died. Life is just happening.  Lately I’ve been reading Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is the first of several books I want to read as part of my healing process, and it is a real eye-opener. I’m not even finished with it yet, but I have seen myself in some of the pages.  One thing I recognized in myself is what the authors refer to as the false solution of doing the opposite. I was once deeply hurt by a guy who was dominated by his mother and just couldn’t cut the apron strings. So when I met the man I married and he was rude and unkind to his mother, I didn’t recognize that as the red flag it was. I was just so glad he didn’t let her push him around. In that regard, I was drawn to the opposite of what I had before when neither extreme was healthy.  The book talks quite a bit about people who close themselves off from relationships, both romantic and platonic, because they have been hurt i...

A few days ago I was in my former town and was able to see so many friends. It was amazing! I think people were able to see that a lot of healing has happened in my life;  I'm way different from how I was when I left. That caused me to start thinking about my healing process and consider what the things may be that have helped me along the way. When I left I KNEW I was making the right decision. That gave me a peace, even though my life was upside down. I definitely could have left sooner, and I had plenty of reason to, but I waited until I knew it was absolutely the right choice. Because of this, I've never looked back or doubted my path.  My support has been incredible. I know I've mentioned things in this regard before, but I've always had people who have had my back. When I needed someone to talk to, when I needed help moving, when I needed a hug, there was always someone. I'll always be grateful.  I told myself the truth about myself and my situation. ...

Sometimes people wrong us, and in the process, they steal something from us that's very precious. Thankfully it's not always like that, but life can get pretty messy sometimes. It can be tempting to just gloss over that loss and not really acknowledge it. It may even feel like you are forgiving the person if you do that. But this is just a form of denial, and it's not healthy. Before this year is over, 10 babies will have been born in my former church congregation. At age 34 I'm very aware that I'll never be a mother unless I happen to remarry and the man has kids already. And if I'm ever a step-mom, my hypothetical stepkids will probably be in their teens at least, because this certainly wouldn't be happening soon. Now those who know me well know that I've never longed to be a mother like a lot of women. No baby fever for me. But to have that choice taken away? Well, I guess you can say I still had a choice. But how could I choose to bring an innoc...

A few months ago I saw an image online that had a saying on it. It was something like this: "If you are upset or overwhelmed, it's a sign that you're spending less time with God and more time with the world." And I thought something like, "Wait a minute! I'm overwhelmed because life has been kicking me in the teeth!" And one thought led to another. I thought of the story of Job. He was a righteous man who went through an awful time in his life. He lost his children, his animals, and his wealth. Then he got boils all over his body. He was a miserable mess. He had 3 friends who came for a visit. First, they just stared at him. Then they started blaming him for his predicament, saying that he deserved it. They said there must be some great sin in his life, and God was judging him. The thing his friends didn't know, and Job didn't even know, is that at the beginning of the story there was a scene that had played out in Heaven. The devil had ...

Have you ever thought, "If only I could lose weight?" or "If only I could afford a new car?" Quite a few of us have! Hopefully, those are only passing thoughts and we don't get stuck there. I've had some "if onlys" come to the surface during my healing process. I think that's pretty normal. If only I had been wiser. If only we had taken the dating process more slowly and given any red flags time to show themselves clearly. If only he had been what he seemed. If only I had asked harder questions. If only I had tried marriage counseling earlier. If only I had been more honest with our mutual friends about what he was like. If only we had gotten better advice. If only he had gotten the kick in the rear that he needed instead of me being told things that I needed to do. The big one I have struggled with is when I felt like I was close to the end of my rope and sought out help, but I didn't feel like our situation was taken as serious...

Leaving my husband is probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. There is a lot I'm not ready to talk about publicly, but I knew for a while that separation was coming. I hoped my husband would be the one to decide he had had enough and break things off;  I didn't want to be the one to make that hard decision. But an evening came when I realized I couldn't take it anymore. One last thing happened that reinforced what I already knew had to happen eventually. I was really upset that night. I made my decision, but I was afraid that as time went by I would change my mind. I texted one of my best friends and told her I was leaving. Then the next day I told my parents, my brother, and another best friend. These people were my safety net. If I decided to back out in the coming days or weeks, they were to hold me accountable and make sure I followed through with my decision because at that time I still didn't want to leave. I just knew I HAD to. The e...

Most people are familiar with the idea that there are several stages of grief. That can be grief for a loved one or even grief for a lost relationship. Psychology Today lists 5 stages of grieving a relationship:  denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I've read that these stages may not be in order, and not everyone experiences all 5 stages. Anyone want to guess what stage I am in right now? Yeah, that would be anger. And it's not fun. I should clarify that I'm not flying off the handle and making life miserable for the people around me. But sometimes I really want to throw my phone across the room, or something like that. (Thankfully I haven't given into that since iPhone screens aren't exactly cheap to replace!) Anger is a funny thing. While I'm trying to heal from a particular situation, I'm finding that other things and other people can trigger anger right now. Recently there was a situation involving a different person t...

Valentine's Day. The day that singles everywhere hate. It reminds them that they still don't have the relationship they want while everyone else seems to be happily coupled off. If that sounds WAY too familiar to you, then please read the rest of this. Sometimes it helps us all to have a little different perspective. In thinking about writing this blog I decided to be honest about some things that have been very painful in my life. Sometimes it's so hard to open up about things; hiding can be so much easier. But I don't know if I can heal completely that way, and if I can somehow help other people by sharing parts of my story, I'd like to. I got married a little over 5 1/2 years ago on a hot June day. My dress and my hair were perfect, and I was thrilled to be marrying the man I was head-over-heels in love with. He was clearly crazy about me too. I didn't buy into the idea that life would be perfect, but I thought it would be pretty amazing with a lot of har...