Have you ever thought, "If only I could lose weight?" or "If only I could afford a new car?" Quite a few of us have! Hopefully, those are only passing thoughts and we don't get stuck there.
I've had some "if onlys" come to the surface during my healing process. I think that's pretty normal. If only I had been wiser. If only we had taken the dating process more slowly and given any red flags time to show themselves clearly. If only he had been what he seemed. If only I had asked harder questions.
If only I had tried marriage counseling earlier. If only I had been more honest with our mutual friends about what he was like. If only we had gotten better advice. If only he had gotten the kick in the rear that he needed instead of me being told things that I needed to do.
The big one I have struggled with is when I felt like I was close to the end of my rope and sought out help, but I didn't feel like our situation was taken as seriously as it was. Most of the burden of changing was placed on me. I was even met with some anger over the fact that I felt like the prognosis for our marriage really wasn't good long-term unless a big change happened on my husband's end of things. I mean, really, shouldn't any anger have been directed at the one who made me feel that way in the first place?
Anyway, that whole situation wasn't helpful at all, and it was just 3 months later that my husband starting the actions that would cause me to leave him about a year later. So I've had some major stuff in my mind at times regarding that advice we got. What if it had been wiser? What if my husband had been called on the carpet? Would he have started making positive changes? Would our marriage have been saved?
But here is what I think. I don't think our marriage was ever going to be saved. And when I'm asking God "Why," I think this is part of the answer. Things had to go from mediocre-bad to awful for me to get the overwhelming support I eventually got. And they had to get that bad for me to take the action I did and actually get out. If they stayed mediocre I'd still be there wishing for so much more, but not feeling like I could leave.
My pastor reminded me of a verse about Joseph in the Bible. When he finally met up with his brothers who had sold him into slavery, he told them, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." Somehow good things can come from even the awful things in our lives. We just need to let go of "if only."
I've had some "if onlys" come to the surface during my healing process. I think that's pretty normal. If only I had been wiser. If only we had taken the dating process more slowly and given any red flags time to show themselves clearly. If only he had been what he seemed. If only I had asked harder questions.
If only I had tried marriage counseling earlier. If only I had been more honest with our mutual friends about what he was like. If only we had gotten better advice. If only he had gotten the kick in the rear that he needed instead of me being told things that I needed to do.
The big one I have struggled with is when I felt like I was close to the end of my rope and sought out help, but I didn't feel like our situation was taken as seriously as it was. Most of the burden of changing was placed on me. I was even met with some anger over the fact that I felt like the prognosis for our marriage really wasn't good long-term unless a big change happened on my husband's end of things. I mean, really, shouldn't any anger have been directed at the one who made me feel that way in the first place?
Anyway, that whole situation wasn't helpful at all, and it was just 3 months later that my husband starting the actions that would cause me to leave him about a year later. So I've had some major stuff in my mind at times regarding that advice we got. What if it had been wiser? What if my husband had been called on the carpet? Would he have started making positive changes? Would our marriage have been saved?
But here is what I think. I don't think our marriage was ever going to be saved. And when I'm asking God "Why," I think this is part of the answer. Things had to go from mediocre-bad to awful for me to get the overwhelming support I eventually got. And they had to get that bad for me to take the action I did and actually get out. If they stayed mediocre I'd still be there wishing for so much more, but not feeling like I could leave.
My pastor reminded me of a verse about Joseph in the Bible. When he finally met up with his brothers who had sold him into slavery, he told them, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good, to bring it about that many people should be kept alive, as they are today." Somehow good things can come from even the awful things in our lives. We just need to let go of "if only."
In my situation I have asked myself that question many, many times. We can't really attach a concrete answer. It's tough to really know how things would have turned out had we used a different approach or timeline, especially after we have been through a crisis. Now that we are on the other side, so to speak, we have that human tendency to second guess ourselves.
ReplyDeleteSo often we put ourselves on the witness stand, cross examine ourselves, and then become our own judge and jury. This can be self defeating and futile, especially if we allow guilt to be our cell mate.
I'm sure you wanted to keep hope alive for a chance things would get better. As Apostolics, we are programmed that way. We go to church and get lifted up in spirit, but the reality is that we still have to face our week and its challenges. We cry silently at times, when no one sees us.
One of our ministers, Bro. Joiner, recently spoke out on Instagram about depression - how we couldn't talk about it in our ranks. The response to his post was tremendous! There are many issues that we as Christians deal with but can't be open about. Marital problems would be included here. If two spouses are not on the same page spiritually, there is an imbalance.
Then there is the scripture about not letting the sun go down on our wrath, but this is referring to forgiveness. However, if you are dealing with repeated offenses, action is required. Even drastic action at times. I think you did the only thing you could do, and you had to do this to safeguard your own soul.
I like what you said about allowing built to be our cell mate!
DeleteI would love to read what Bro. Joiner said about depression. Maybe you could direct message me that post? Yes it's sad that there are these topics that Apostolics just don't deal with very well. We need to get better about that, and in my mind part of it is not always pretending that everything is ok. We want to have joy because that's a fruit of the Spirit, but somehow we seem to believe that we can paste a fake smile on our face when we are bleeding on the inside and call that joy. That's not joy; that's fakery! Of course we can smile and be pleasant during a bad time, but it's also ok to cry as well, and admit that things are just not going well. Why would the Bible tell us to weep with those who are weeping if it's never ok to weep? The Bible actually says that God is close to the brokenhearted.
Usually you can just type in the name and their public posts pull up. It doesn't seem to be working today. If you can get on, just scroll down and you will see it. It seems Bro. Joiner got lots of support, and people (even other ministers) were opening up and sharing.
ReplyDeleteThere's just no groups within the church for widows & widowers or even the divorced and "more mature" never marrieds. I feel like I have been lost in the shuffle, more or less, and that the church is now being ran by the youth! Nothing against the youth, but youth cannot replace experience.
Someone asked me a while back if I had lost my joy. I can't say that I am happy, but maybe that's just a close cousin to joy.
We aren't supposed to go on dating sites, but I am on an online support group. It is not like a meet up place, although some have. I would like to try "Everyone's Apostolic." Or whatever it's called now.
I have so many health concerns now that I didn't have before. I HAVE to find some purpose, but I don't think anyone will listen to my cries or suggestions.