I've been thinking I should probably write a post to clear up a few questions that some people may have about my blog and its purpose. I'm going to try to do that today.
My blog is to help me heal emotionally, and hopefully help someone else who is going through something similar. I want to tell people that need to hear it that change can come to their lives, and they can be strong enough to take steps that they need to take.
Some of you may be wondering how I feel about marriage now that I've been wounded so much by someone who was supposed to love me. I still believe in marriage. I've seen too many good marriages to believe that good marriages don't exist. Of course they require a lot of work by both people involved for it to be that way. I do feel like it's not fair that I went into marriage willing to give it my best, and my husband went into it...I don't know. I like to think he probably had good intentions at first. But he certainly didn't want to put out any effort or work on his weak areas.
Because of my personal experience, I choose to write about bad marriages, among other things. There are marriages people just need to get out of, and I feel like people in them don't have much of a voice in Christian circles. The Bible is very pro-marriage, and because of that, sometimes we are encouraged to stay in a marriage we shouldn't stay in. But the Bible doesn't say it's a sin to leave someone who is beating you or abusing you in other ways. And Jesus actually said it's acceptable to divorce someone who has been unfaithful.
I feel like I'm probably making a mess of this post! I guess I want to say that I believe in marriage and I don't hate men. But I also know that there are men and women out there who NEED people to take their pain seriously, and say, "Yes, you need to get out." Some marriages might actually be saved if a victim stands up for herself and moves out.
I know a lot of marriages have normal struggles and need tips on better communication, understanding love languages, etc. There are lots of great blogs out there with all of that. But if a person in a cheating or abusive marriage tries to follow the normal "rules," it tends to backfire on them. They can try to smile more, compliment more, fill-in-the-blanks more, and things just get worse. It did for me. If it's that way for you, please stick around and maybe we can heal together.
My blog is to help me heal emotionally, and hopefully help someone else who is going through something similar. I want to tell people that need to hear it that change can come to their lives, and they can be strong enough to take steps that they need to take.
Some of you may be wondering how I feel about marriage now that I've been wounded so much by someone who was supposed to love me. I still believe in marriage. I've seen too many good marriages to believe that good marriages don't exist. Of course they require a lot of work by both people involved for it to be that way. I do feel like it's not fair that I went into marriage willing to give it my best, and my husband went into it...I don't know. I like to think he probably had good intentions at first. But he certainly didn't want to put out any effort or work on his weak areas.
Because of my personal experience, I choose to write about bad marriages, among other things. There are marriages people just need to get out of, and I feel like people in them don't have much of a voice in Christian circles. The Bible is very pro-marriage, and because of that, sometimes we are encouraged to stay in a marriage we shouldn't stay in. But the Bible doesn't say it's a sin to leave someone who is beating you or abusing you in other ways. And Jesus actually said it's acceptable to divorce someone who has been unfaithful.
I feel like I'm probably making a mess of this post! I guess I want to say that I believe in marriage and I don't hate men. But I also know that there are men and women out there who NEED people to take their pain seriously, and say, "Yes, you need to get out." Some marriages might actually be saved if a victim stands up for herself and moves out.
I know a lot of marriages have normal struggles and need tips on better communication, understanding love languages, etc. There are lots of great blogs out there with all of that. But if a person in a cheating or abusive marriage tries to follow the normal "rules," it tends to backfire on them. They can try to smile more, compliment more, fill-in-the-blanks more, and things just get worse. It did for me. If it's that way for you, please stick around and maybe we can heal together.
I'm proud of you, Ashley!
ReplyDeleteThank you! I appreciate the support!
DeleteMy dad was both verbally and physically abusive. My mom did reach out for help at least one time that I know of. She talked to a sister in the church; the lady told her that it is the ones who love us the most who hurt us the most. To me, that was NOT the right thing to say! But my mom stayed in the marriage, I guess because she felt she had no choice. The ironic thing is that when my dad passed away, they were separated. He was in his late 70's. He had decided to move out and go live with his relatives. He tried to turn the tables on her and make things out to be her fault. She had in-laws about like mine...
ReplyDeleteCheating...and what constitutes cheating...that's a hard one because there are so many ways to do it. The Bible says, "if a man even looks upon a woman to lust, it's the same as..." When you look at how women dress these days, with nothing left to the imagination...skin tight leotards that show every detail (with NO shame), low-cuts, etc., a wife needs to really pray daily for God to guard her husband's eyes and mind. There are also emotional affairs. Anyway, if not for the church, our marriages would be doomed from the get-go.
In the church circles I have been in, divorce might be acceptable in some cases but remarriage not so much. There are many different interpretations of scripture on that. I don't know if that is something you would consider later on, and you don't have to say, but even as a widow, I feel the constraints concerning possible remarriage. God could send along a perfect Christian man, and eyebrows would be raised. Even though it's Biblical, fingers would point and judge. I hope it happens, once the time is right, so I can say, "Nanna nanna boo boo."
It seems like you are holding up well and not looking back. Divorce is kind of like a death; it's a devastating loss. I have seen where too many great losses can totally unravel a person. So keep doing what ever you are doing, and again, I am glad you are getting a lot of support.
I didn't know that about your dad. That's so sad, especially that your mom reached out for help and didn't get it. That happens WAY too often! I'm sorry, but the ones who love us the most do NOT hurt us the most. Sure, they hurt us sometimes, unintentionally, but if there is abuse, that is not love!
DeleteCheating is very complicated. I do know that the Greek word for fornication is the same word that we get the word pornography from. So that would indicate that a person doesn't have to cheat in a physical way for it to count in God's eyes. And yes, there is so much skin displayed in our culture! I do think there must be a distinction between a man noticing at the time and struggling, and a man (or woman) purposely seeking out sensual pleasures outside of his/her marriage.
I don't know WHAT I would consider later on. I have some pretty big trust issues right now. Occasionally I miss some things about being married, even though I still am, legally. I'll just have to leave that up to God, and trust that if there is a relationship for me in the future, I'll be able to trust again.