When It's Time to Leave

Leaving my husband is probably the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. There is a lot I'm not ready to talk about publicly, but I knew for a while that separation was coming. I hoped my husband would be the one to decide he had had enough and break things off;  I didn't want to be the one to make that hard decision. But an evening came when I realized I couldn't take it anymore. One last thing happened that reinforced what I already knew had to happen eventually.

I was really upset that night. I made my decision, but I was afraid that as time went by I would change my mind. I texted one of my best friends and told her I was leaving. Then the next day I told my parents, my brother, and another best friend. These people were my safety net. If I decided to back out in the coming days or weeks, they were to hold me accountable and make sure I followed through with my decision because at that time I still didn't want to leave. I just knew I HAD to.

The emotional trauma after my decision that evening was horrible. I didn't sleep at all that night. The next morning I had my first-ever panic attack, and at first, didn't know what it was. It felt like I was going to have a heart attack! So scary! It took quite a while for me to calm down and my heartbeat to get more normal. I was a wreck all day from sleep deprivation. That day was the worst, but that first week was extremely hard. I was crying every day, usually multiple times. Once I had a melt-down in the hallway at church in front of several people (I'm glad they were close friends).

I ended up staying almost 3 weeks after the evening of my decision. That would not have been right for people in some situations, but I wasn't in any physical danger. One thing that made those weeks hard was actually how nice my husband was to me after I told him I was leaving and he saw how upset I was. In a way walking out would have been easier if he had been unpleasant during that time, but I'm glad he was nice. I couldn't have taken jerkiness on top of all the other pain. And I really did need a chance to pack and get my car fixed so it can last me a little while longer. (Please last me until I can afford something else, little car!)

As I write this I'm aware that there could be someone reading my blog who needs to leave a bad relationship. There are a couple things I want to say to you: 

First, I think telling several people I was about to leave was a crucial step. I really don't know if I would have followed through in that same timeframe if I hadn't told people right away. I mean, he wasn't beating me. I wasn't afraid for my life. It's really easy to be too comfortable in toxic situations. 

The second kind of goes along with that. You need a support system. If you have people in your life who are not supporting you, then find new people. That may mean something different for each individual, but there is even support online, though in-person is best. If your significant other is violent, emotionally abusive, or cheating on you, then you have every right to protect yourself and get out. If people are telling you otherwise, they are wrong. You are worth so much more than that. 

The last thing I want to say is that even though I wanted my husband to make the decision so I wouldn't have to, I think I'm glad it happened this way now that a couple of months have gone by. I can look back and see how strong I was out of necessity. I became stronger than I ever was before, stronger than I ever thought I could be. If he had decided to initiate the separation, I may have always had the question in the back of my mind, "Would I have left if he had left it up to me? Would I have been strong enough" Well, now I don't have to wonder. I AM strong enough. And you can be too.