If you're married or even seriously dating you might read books and blogs with marriage advice. You'll hear advice from pastors, family, friends, maybe even strangers. A lot of that advice will be good for some, or even most situations. The problem is when you are hearing and reading advice that isn't good for you. The person giving the advice will mean well. But they just can't see the full picture.
Today I want to talk about some advice that can actually be harmful if implemented in a toxic marriage. I'm not listing these in a particular order. I'm just writing as I think of these.
I hope this will give you some food for thought. If you're in a toxic relationship, some advice just isn't good for you! And if you are someone who sometimes gives advice, please carefully consider the situation. Make sure you know enough about the situation before you say much. Because if they are in an abusive relationship, the usual advice just doesn't work; many times the opposite advice is actually needed.
I think this is a good time to go back to James 1:5.
Today I want to talk about some advice that can actually be harmful if implemented in a toxic marriage. I'm not listing these in a particular order. I'm just writing as I think of these.
- Don't talk negatively about your spouse to other people. See the problem with this? If you are being abused in some way, keeping quiet about it is the last thing you should do. This just enables the abuse to go on. Tell people what is happening to you. Some may not believe you. Find someone that will.
- Don't focus on the change your spouse needs to make. Focus on making yourself better. This puts all of the burden of needing to change on the person who is the victim in the situation. They are no doubt already trying so hard to please their spouse. A very helpful variation of this advice would be, "You can't change your spouse, so let's focus on you. You need to be strong and implement boundaries so he/she can't treat you like a doormat."
- You need to submit more, and your husband will change for the better. This is another one telling the victim she needs to do something, and he will improve. The problem is what she should be doing is getting tougher and not letting him dominate her. The idea of submission is Biblical, but an abuser is going to take that to mean she should be his doormat. Wrong advice here!
- Pray more. Cast your cares on Him. Just let God take care of it. Okay, this is good, and we should do this in our lives as Christians. But sometimes people use this to mean we shouldn't ever take action. One really good prayer is to pray for wisdom (James 1:5). But sometimes when that wisdom comes, it requires an action. And that action may be hard to carry out, but you'll be better off for it.
- Never threaten to leave your spouse, or even mentally consider it. It's not an option. This is one that's good for the "normal" marriages out there. You know, the ones that have squabbles about finances or technology time or forgotten date nights. But if your spouse is habitually cheating or abusive and you hear this, then what you hear is,"There is no way out. I am doomed to be miserable for the rest of my life."
- Have a baby, and it will improve your marriage. No. Just no. I did save this one for last because I want to say that I don't see how this could ever be good advice. If a couple is having a rocky time in their marriage, it is NOT the time to have a baby. Even if it's just a "normal" rough time, you're going to be dealing with extreme exhaustion, learning the whole parenting thing, and other things that my mom friends can add. And if your marriage is in crisis? Things can go so wrong. One of the things I am so thankful for is that I didn't have children with my ex. Not only would I be starting my life over as a single mom, which would be super hard, but my kid(s) would have some of the same emotional wounds I have. I can't even bear the thought!
I hope this will give you some food for thought. If you're in a toxic relationship, some advice just isn't good for you! And if you are someone who sometimes gives advice, please carefully consider the situation. Make sure you know enough about the situation before you say much. Because if they are in an abusive relationship, the usual advice just doesn't work; many times the opposite advice is actually needed.
I think this is a good time to go back to James 1:5.
This is all very good. I agree with everything you said. I have to concur that not all advice should be followed. There ARE some exceptions to the rules.
ReplyDeleteIn my first marriage (to a sinner), I felt that "doomed," no way out feeling. I finally finished my sentence, which was equivalent to the time my middle son has spent in prison, and then I was able to break free.
I have been married three times, so I won't be mentioning names in reference.
One husband, in the beginning of our marriage, insisted I call him "Sir." I never did. I stood my ground, and he finally realized that he could not lord over me or intimidate me. He thought it was his duty to "correct" me as necessary. Really...? Was I that bad?
Another husband seemed to have a secret part of his life that he would not allow me to be a part of. That is tough, no matter how you look at it. I'm not saying you should drag up every skeleton from the past, but it's disheartening when they put up that wall.
One "questionable advice" I've heard that I might add is this (I'm being very careful how I say it, but it can give a cheating mate too much leeway for continued indiscretions.) : People saying that it's all under the Blood. It may very well be. They may have sincerely repented, and again, they may not have. If there is an ongoing problem (battle) or temptation - however you want to put it, You don't hear much about accountability these days. What would be wrong with him having to be accountable to another man or pastor?
Sometimes you do need someone to talk to, confidentially of course. As you said, many will take the side of the offender, but others will listen and be supportive.
You’re so right about the “under the blood” thing! If a person is truly repentant, they should be open to accountability.
DeleteI wanted to add to my comment after texting you this morning. We are told that we simply cannot pull anything out once it's put under the Blood by an individual (spouse) - or God will positively strike us dead. I was told this many times, so I took heed. But when people start blocking me seven years later as a result of my silence, it is just totally wrong. I'm sure this man was told that I was the one with all the problems. The responsible party, who did not think it necessary to enforce accountability for a time, is surely the perpetrator, the mastermind. Someone who tells you he is going to pray for God to KILL you probably has some spiritual issues and physiological issues also, I would think. Well, I'm still breathing, but I feel kind of dead on the inside. What more can happen? I sometimes wonder if I am under a curse.
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