It can be hard to pinpoint what exactly abuse is when it's not in a physical form. There are a lot of checklists people can refer to online if they are wondering if they are in an abusive relationship. Those lists ask questions like:
Does he yell at you?
Does she criticize you in front of others?
Does he control how you spend your time and who you are friends with?
During my marriage, I went online a number of times and looked at those lists. I determined that I must not be in an abusive relationship because I couldn't check enough of the boxes.
We really need a better way of helping people. If the people in the abusive situations don't think they "qualify" based on these lists, then the people they go to for help surely won't. What can we do? How can we help current and future abuse victims to know that they are enduring abuse and that they can and should get out? And how can we equip communities to see the signs and help sooner, rather than later?
One problem I have with some of the "abuse check-lists" out there is some of them rely on how the victim feels:
Are you afraid all the time?
Do you worry your partner will harm you?
Do you feel like you're not good enough for love, and if you leave your relationship, you'll be alone forever?
By the time a person gets to that point, serious damage has been done to them already. Damage to their soul, their innermost self. Why should a person have to get to that point before we say, "Yes, abuse is happening here. It's okay for you to get out. It's GOOD for you to get out!"
The best information about emotional abuse I have found online so far is this video: 5 Must-Know Signs of Emotional Abuse
To sum it up: Are they degrading you? Are they controlling your life? Are they accusing and blaming you? Are they neglecting you? Do they treat you as if you aren't your own separate person with your own boundaries?
I want to specifically talk about control for a minute. I never felt like my husband was controlling. He never tried to keep me from spending time with friends or calling or texting them. The same with my family. And when our religious views started to differ, he didn't really try to keep me from going to church, although he made it clear he felt all Christians were foolish. Even when I watched this video I didn't feel like he had been controlling. But since then, as I've had more time to think about it, I have recognized some controlling behaviors.
He would discount the way I felt about something, and tell me I should feel differently. That's trying to control my mind and emotions. When we traveled (which he despised, so we didn't do it often), he would punish me for the fact that he was where he didn't want to be, by being really horrible to be with. And he would blame his actions on me (another sign of abuse) because I was supposedly walking too slowly, or having to stop too often to eat or use the bathroom. You know, horrible infractions that must not go unpunished. So what did all of that make me do? It made me wonder if I really wanted to travel with him or not. It was another way of manipulating. And the out-and-out refusing me love in the way I needed to receive it? That gave him the upper hand in the relationship. He had something I wanted, and he had the power to give it to me--or not.
I know I've been way more personal with details in this blog post than in others. I hope I never hurt anyone close to the situation. I share what I share in hopes that others that need help can get it.
Maybe you, as a reader, are in a relationship that sounds a lot like mine. Sometimes it can be hard to articulate to others what exactly is wrong when you ask for help. Maybe showing someone this post when you go for help would be beneficial. I don't have all the answers, but I've gotten some specifics written down you can refer to, and the video is terrific.
Today I pray that we all find the healing that we need.
Does he yell at you?
Does she criticize you in front of others?
Does he control how you spend your time and who you are friends with?
During my marriage, I went online a number of times and looked at those lists. I determined that I must not be in an abusive relationship because I couldn't check enough of the boxes.
We really need a better way of helping people. If the people in the abusive situations don't think they "qualify" based on these lists, then the people they go to for help surely won't. What can we do? How can we help current and future abuse victims to know that they are enduring abuse and that they can and should get out? And how can we equip communities to see the signs and help sooner, rather than later?
One problem I have with some of the "abuse check-lists" out there is some of them rely on how the victim feels:
Are you afraid all the time?
Do you worry your partner will harm you?
Do you feel like you're not good enough for love, and if you leave your relationship, you'll be alone forever?
By the time a person gets to that point, serious damage has been done to them already. Damage to their soul, their innermost self. Why should a person have to get to that point before we say, "Yes, abuse is happening here. It's okay for you to get out. It's GOOD for you to get out!"
The best information about emotional abuse I have found online so far is this video: 5 Must-Know Signs of Emotional Abuse
I want to specifically talk about control for a minute. I never felt like my husband was controlling. He never tried to keep me from spending time with friends or calling or texting them. The same with my family. And when our religious views started to differ, he didn't really try to keep me from going to church, although he made it clear he felt all Christians were foolish. Even when I watched this video I didn't feel like he had been controlling. But since then, as I've had more time to think about it, I have recognized some controlling behaviors.
He would discount the way I felt about something, and tell me I should feel differently. That's trying to control my mind and emotions. When we traveled (which he despised, so we didn't do it often), he would punish me for the fact that he was where he didn't want to be, by being really horrible to be with. And he would blame his actions on me (another sign of abuse) because I was supposedly walking too slowly, or having to stop too often to eat or use the bathroom. You know, horrible infractions that must not go unpunished. So what did all of that make me do? It made me wonder if I really wanted to travel with him or not. It was another way of manipulating. And the out-and-out refusing me love in the way I needed to receive it? That gave him the upper hand in the relationship. He had something I wanted, and he had the power to give it to me--or not.
I know I've been way more personal with details in this blog post than in others. I hope I never hurt anyone close to the situation. I share what I share in hopes that others that need help can get it.
Maybe you, as a reader, are in a relationship that sounds a lot like mine. Sometimes it can be hard to articulate to others what exactly is wrong when you ask for help. Maybe showing someone this post when you go for help would be beneficial. I don't have all the answers, but I've gotten some specifics written down you can refer to, and the video is terrific.
Today I pray that we all find the healing that we need.
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