Skip to main content

We Need To Know What Abuse Is

It can be hard to pinpoint what exactly abuse is when it's not in a physical form. There are a lot of checklists people can refer to online if they are wondering if they are in an abusive relationship. Those lists ask questions like:

Does he yell at you?
Does she criticize you in front of others?
Does he control how you spend your time and who you are friends with?

During my marriage, I went online a number of times and looked at those lists. I determined that I must not be in an abusive relationship because I couldn't check enough of the boxes.

We really need a better way of helping people. If the people in the abusive situations don't think they "qualify" based on these lists, then the people they go to for help surely won't. What can we do? How can we help current and future abuse victims to know that they are enduring abuse and that they can and should get out? And how can we equip communities to see the signs and help sooner, rather than later?



One problem I have with some of the "abuse check-lists" out there is some of them rely on how the victim feels:

Are you afraid all the time?
Do you worry your partner will harm you?
Do you feel like you're not good enough for love, and if you leave your relationship, you'll be alone forever?

By the time a person gets to that point, serious damage has been done to them already. Damage to their soul, their innermost self. Why should a person have to get to that point before we say, "Yes, abuse is happening here. It's okay for you to get out. It's GOOD for you to get out!"

The best information about emotional abuse I have found online so far is this video:  5 Must-Know Signs of Emotional Abuse





To sum it up:  Are they degrading you?  Are they controlling your life?  Are they accusing and blaming you?  Are they neglecting you?  Do they treat you as if you aren't your own separate person with your own boundaries?

I want to specifically talk about control for a minute. I never felt like my husband was controlling. He never tried to keep me from spending time with friends or calling or texting them. The same with my family. And when our religious views started to differ, he didn't really try to keep me from going to church, although he made it clear he felt all Christians were foolish. Even when I watched this video I didn't feel like he had been controlling. But since then, as I've had more time to think about it, I have recognized some controlling behaviors.

He would discount the way I felt about something, and tell me I should feel differently. That's trying to control my mind and emotions. When we traveled (which he despised, so we didn't do it often), he would punish me for the fact that he was where he didn't want to be, by being really horrible to be with. And he would blame his actions on me (another sign of abuse) because I was supposedly walking too slowly, or having to stop too often to eat or use the bathroom. You know, horrible infractions that must not go unpunished. So what did all of that make me do? It made me wonder if I really wanted to travel with him or not. It was another way of manipulating. And the out-and-out refusing me love in the way I needed to receive it? That gave him the upper hand in the relationship. He had something I wanted, and he had the power to give it to me--or not.

I know I've been way more personal with details in this blog post than in others. I hope I never hurt anyone close to the situation. I share what I share in hopes that others that need help can get it.

Maybe you, as a reader, are in a relationship that sounds a lot like mine. Sometimes it can be hard to articulate to others what exactly is wrong when you ask for help. Maybe showing someone this post when you go for help would be beneficial. I don't have all the answers, but I've gotten some specifics written down you can refer to, and the video is terrific.

Today I pray that we all find the healing that we need.

Comments

Popular posts from this blog

In Case You Were Wondering...

I've been thinking I should probably write a post to clear up a few questions that some people may have about my blog and its purpose.  I'm going to try to do that today. My blog is to help me heal emotionally, and hopefully help someone else who is going through something similar. I want to tell people that need to hear it that change can come to their lives, and they can be strong enough to take steps that they need to take. Some of you may be wondering how I feel about marriage now that I've been wounded so much by someone who was supposed to love me. I still believe in marriage. I've seen too many good marriages to believe that good marriages don't exist. Of course they require a lot of work by both people involved for it to be that way. I do feel like it's not fair that I went into marriage willing to give it my best, and my husband went into it...I don't know. I like to think he probably had good intentions at first. But he certainly didn't...

Anniversary of My New Life

Today, January 6, is the one year mark from the day I left my ex-husband. If you have read much of my blog, you know that I'm doing really well. So much  has changed in my life since that day one year ago. I decided to leave in December, but I couldn't leave right away. I would have if I was in physical danger, but I wasn't. Since I was fine physically, I decided to stick around long enough to have some repairs done to my car, decide what to take right away and what to pack up for a future moving day, and allow my in-laws to celebrate the holidays joyfully. The weird, leaving-but-not-leaving-yet period was very strange. My ex took the news of my leaving pretty well, and told me that he wanted me to be happy in the long run. I was a wreck emotionally, and he actually tried to comfort me at times. Sometimes I let him. I needed the comfort, and he's the one that was there, at home. And at the time, I didn't WANT to leave him. Finally, The Day came. In some ways, ...

The Things That Have Helped Me Heal

A few days ago I was in my former town and was able to see so many friends. It was amazing! I think people were able to see that a lot of healing has happened in my life;  I'm way different from how I was when I left. That caused me to start thinking about my healing process and consider what the things may be that have helped me along the way. When I left I KNEW I was making the right decision. That gave me a peace, even though my life was upside down. I definitely could have left sooner, and I had plenty of reason to, but I waited until I knew it was absolutely the right choice. Because of this, I've never looked back or doubted my path.  My support has been incredible. I know I've mentioned things in this regard before, but I've always had people who have had my back. When I needed someone to talk to, when I needed help moving, when I needed a hug, there was always someone. I'll always be grateful.  I told myself the truth about myself and my situation. ...