No, I haven’t died. Life is just happening.  Lately I’ve been reading Safe People by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It is the first of several books I want to read as part of my healing process, and it is a real eye-opener. I’m not even finished with it yet, but I have seen myself in some of the pages.  One thing I recognized in myself is what the authors refer to as the false solution of doing the opposite. I was once deeply hurt by a guy who was dominated by his mother and just couldn’t cut the apron strings. So when I met the man I married and he was rude and unkind to his mother, I didn’t recognize that as the red flag it was. I was just so glad he didn’t let her push him around. In that regard, I was drawn to the opposite of what I had before when neither extreme was healthy.  The book talks quite a bit about people who close themselves off from relationships, both romantic and platonic, because they have been hurt i...

If you're married or even seriously dating you might read books and blogs with marriage advice. You'll hear advice from pastors, family, friends, maybe even strangers. A lot of that advice will be good for some, or even most situations. The problem is when you are hearing and reading advice that isn't good for you. The person giving the advice will mean well. But they just can't see the full picture. Today I want to talk about some advice that can actually be harmful if implemented in a toxic marriage. I'm not listing these in a particular order. I'm just writing as I think of these.  Don't talk negatively about your spouse to other people. See the problem with this? If you are being abused in some way, keeping quiet about it is the last thing you should do. This just enables the abuse to go on. Tell people what is happening to you. Some may not believe you. Find someone that will.  Don't focus on the change your spouse needs to make. Focus on...

It's been too long since my last post. I have nothing to say for myself, except that life has been happening. I've had a migraine today, so this may not be very eloquent. But something has come to mind a few times lately that I want to discuss. If you've read my blog before, then you know my story, or at least part of it. It's not pretty by any means! I was a young woman hoping and praying to meet an amazing man who would sweep me off my feet. Then I met someone who seemed so amazing, and we were both smitten, and we got married and lived happily ever after. Except we didn't. We got married, and after a while I slowly started to realize what a huge mistake I had made. I was in a painful mess. You probably know that, but it's a recap for any first-time readers. (And please check out some of my other posts) Every once in a while I'll be in a conversation with someone about things that I went through in my marriage, and I can't help but think, "W...

There are many things that are different, now that I have left my husband. I  live in a different part of the state. I live with my parents again until I can get some things figured out financially. I'm attending the church I attended before moving away when I got married, but there is a new pastor now. I no longer have the security a wife has (or should have) of someone taking care of her. I know my family will take care of me, and my church will. No one will ever let me be without things I need. I'm driving an old Toyota I've had forever, because my husband got to keep the newer car. I wouldn't have wanted to bring the payments with me, along with the newer car, so there is that. I loved my role as a full-time housekeeper/cook/domestic goddess when I was with my husband. When I left, I knew I would have to polish up my resume and find employment. At this point I've only had temporary jobs, but something will open up. It's not easy reinventing myself. ...

Have you ever read the article   "Drowning Doesn't Look Like Drowning"   by Mario Vittone? He is very qualified to write on the subject. He was in the Coast Guard with a career in a helicopter rescue. The idea of his article is that we think drowning is going to be dramatic, with a lot of flailing around. Something that would really catch your attention if you happen to be nearby. But there are physical things going on with a drowning person that don't allow him to call out for help or wave for attention. That makes it so scary, because a child can drown just feet away from you, and you would never know until it's too late. This is a really good reminder going into summer. With pool parties, trips to the lake, and beach days, we just can't be too careful. But as I read these warnings about drowning recently, it struck me that this can really apply to more than just the physical realm. Have you ever felt like you were drowning inside, and no one seemed...

A few days ago I was in my former town and was able to see so many friends. It was amazing! I think people were able to see that a lot of healing has happened in my life;  I'm way different from how I was when I left. That caused me to start thinking about my healing process and consider what the things may be that have helped me along the way. When I left I KNEW I was making the right decision. That gave me a peace, even though my life was upside down. I definitely could have left sooner, and I had plenty of reason to, but I waited until I knew it was absolutely the right choice. Because of this, I've never looked back or doubted my path.  My support has been incredible. I know I've mentioned things in this regard before, but I've always had people who have had my back. When I needed someone to talk to, when I needed help moving, when I needed a hug, there was always someone. I'll always be grateful.  I told myself the truth about myself and my situation. ...

Sometimes people wrong us, and in the process, they steal something from us that's very precious. Thankfully it's not always like that, but life can get pretty messy sometimes. It can be tempting to just gloss over that loss and not really acknowledge it. It may even feel like you are forgiving the person if you do that. But this is just a form of denial, and it's not healthy. Before this year is over, 10 babies will have been born in my former church congregation. At age 34 I'm very aware that I'll never be a mother unless I happen to remarry and the man has kids already. And if I'm ever a step-mom, my hypothetical stepkids will probably be in their teens at least, because this certainly wouldn't be happening soon. Now those who know me well know that I've never longed to be a mother like a lot of women. No baby fever for me. But to have that choice taken away? Well, I guess you can say I still had a choice. But how could I choose to bring an innoc...